How To Survive Being on The Bachelor

If you’re not committed to having a chocolate bath on national TV with a guy you hardly know, you’re not even serious

1. You MUST be there for the RIGHT REASONS.

Right reasons include: falling helplessly in love with and wanting marriage and babies immediately with that guy you met three weeks ago.

Right reasons DO NOT include advancing your modelling or fire-breathing career on Instagram. Big no-no. Go on some other national television show.

2. There are various ways to communicate stages of in-love falling on a scale of 1–7:

My feelings for you have grown (NB: do not say ‘like a virus’)
I feel strongly for you
I am falling for you
I have fallen for you
I am falling in love with you
I have fallen in love with you
And the clincher: I love you (tears for bonus points)

3. You must deeply connect with the Bachelor despite being constantly surrounded by a film crew in ‘romantic’ environments. Mostly flower-strewn couches.

4. On that note, there are many flower-strewn couches. Pack your Zyrtec.

5. Drama is a no-go. The Bachelor deeply disapproves of drama and is not listening to producers wildly encouraging maximum drama by lubricating all contestants with red wine and slipping them bitchy soundbites from what Tara said about your dress.

Contestants who bring #drama will have stern words from Bachie and be dramatically evicted.

5. The Bachelor’s family are deeply invested in the outcome so be prepared for some tough questions which absolutely have not been written by the show’s producers (mainly about your REASONS for being here. Remember: love, not fire-breathing career).

They will immediately embrace the winner into their hearts and lives for the 3 months you remain together as a couple.

6. DO NOT be friendly or agreeable or you will be edited out. Nobody’s got time for that in a one-hour primetime spot. Tara will get way more airtime than you because she’s ‘real and says it like it is’.

7. You will likely end up in a chocolate bath with the Bachelor on national TV. Lie back and think of England. And the paid partnerships you’ll get on Instagram with obscure laser teeth-whitening products.

8. There are classy ways of handling public rejection. Like a quick hug and an ‘I know the right girl is out there for you ’.

There’s also burning the mansion down and running through with the decapitated cardboard cutout of the Bachelor screaming ‘DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?’

You might get some interesting paid partnerships out of that.

9. At the end of the day, the most important thing is your dignity. And #truelove. And SOULMATES.

None of which you’ll find by being on The Bachelor. But good luck with the fire-breathing career on Instagram.

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Writer. Aussie. New Mum. Tired.

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